Lisa Dunning, California Marriage & Family Therapist
Parent / Child Relationship Expert

This Dad's Childhood

I had a mixed bag of some good, but mostly bad memories as a young child. I was a latchkey kid when I was young, coming home to an empty house most days. I would watch a lot of television in my house with a friend from down the street until someone came home. At night, when both my parents were home, I remember a great deal of silence or television. As an only child I played a lot in my room, alone. But I also remember playing organized baseball, football and basketball at the local park. My father was the coach, or assistant coach, on most of the teams. Those are mostly good memories. I lived in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood until the age of twelve when my father moved us into a predominantly white middle class area. All but one of my relatives lived on the east coast. My grandmother on my father's side lived in Northern California. I did not have any brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents even remotely close to me, geographically or otherwise. My mother and father were strangers living in the same house. As I grew older I became another stranger in a house of strangers. About the age of twelve, my father buried himself in his work and admitted to me when I was older that he abandoned me to be raised exclusively by my mother who did not have a clue how to raise a teenager. I enjoyed playing tennis and basketball and, looking back, I believe a played a great deal of tennis and basketball to escape my dysfunctional home life. My parents divorced when I was sixteen. I broke off contact with my mother almost immediately after she moved out of the house, but I maintained contact with my father primarily due to my inability to financially support myself. My father remarried and moved in with his new wife and I was kicked out of my house to live on the street for about a year. I had a lot of issues that took years of self-examination, time, meeting my wife and eventually having my children to heal most of the wounds of the past. To say my wife and I came from different childhood backgrounds would be an understatement.

This Mom's Childhood

I did not come from an abusive environment and have no direct experience with abuse. My husband, on the other hand, sadly came from a neglectful environment and can give more insight into the feelings associated with living in that type of environment. Working in the foster care system and in my private practice, I have dealt with issues of both physical and emotional abuse far too often. When I was new to the field, dealing with issues of abuse proved to be challenging and uncomfortable, but through many years of experience and education, I know far too well the subject of abuse and can say confidently that I know how to help the abused and the perpetrators of abuse.

Survivors Of Abuse

"Parents do not 'own' their children but are responsible for promoting their well-being, which means providing a home free of abuse. " (Justice and Justice 175) If you are a survivor of abuse you have probably noticed that you have come from a long line of generations that have been abused. I am sure you would like to prevent the cycle of abuse to your children. I am also sure that the abusers in your family did not want to pass it down to you either. So how do you, after generations of abuse, stop the cycle?